Jo-Mama by ixobelle


By: ixobelle
Last Updated: Jun 4, 2015
1 Votes
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Johanna is a Mammal. Top

This is not a guide on how to press buttons. I assume you already know her moves:

Q - Spatula Slap
W - Suck
E - Bling
R - SHINE A LIGHT ON ME / Captain Amerilol
D - Gingerbread (as in "can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man")

This is a guide on how to make people cry towards those last precious seconds of a team fight. Those ones where everyone runs together, blows their cooldowns, then all start to walk away slowly at 10%. This is when Johanna (a mammal, make no mistake) truly shines.


Think of Johanna as ETC's younger and hotter sister. While ETC typically slides in and BLOWS enemies away from him, Johanna walks slowly up to someone (bonus points for avoiding roots/stuns with her D), and and then SUCKS.

Do not be mislead. She does not suck, except when hitting the W key. Things must be yelled when hitting this key.

Acceptable examples include:

"Oh, you want to suck? (press the key) WELL I SUCK, TOO. (move activates)"

"(press the key) WHERE YOU GOING? (move activates) NOWHERE."

"(press key, wait for activation) Get over heeerrreeeeee"*

*Stitches will complain that he's actually more like Scorpion, but if he's on your team you have an out to call him a noob, because Johanna is strictly better than Stitches in 100% of all scenarios, and lol 2 tanks? As if.

Immediately following your Suckage, you must proceed to slap them with the spatula attack of Q. Tier 5 is where the Subdue talent really shines, as the SuckSpatula attack on anyone trying to walk away from a fight at low health will immediately start crying. If you feel bad, you can blind them with your Bling immediately at the end, and give them an out to say it was very bright so their eyes were just watering up.

We know the truth.

Little known fact:

Johanna is Japanese, and writes a special kanji on the ground during the Spatula Slap to focus her Cheese. She's not very good though, so she only writes one radical. OR MAYBE SHE'S JUST RADICAL?! you decide.

It's often thought she is invoking the 3 stroke "Sprout" radical KU-CHI-NO-ME:

But I prefer to think it's the "Pig's Head" radical of KE-I-GA-SHI-RA:

The Spatula Mark in Question:

(It's totally pig's head. Just look at it. Duh. Plus kuchi no me? What is that? "eye of the mouth"? pff)

*Note: While looking for the above image, I google image searched "Johanna HOTS" on my work machine. I don't recommend it. Among the results was some weird one of a woman naked on a tennis court, surrounded by tennis balls. It's weird. She's clearly naked, and trying to look sexy, but then her body is all... like weird. I have no response for this. I ended up closing my office door and launching HOTS on my laptop to grab a screenshot. I was probably more at risk of firing during the gaming portion than the nekkid ladies portion. lol office jobs.

That is all for now. I will update this guide 8 times a day, until I am dead.

Good day.

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